Renegade Sales Stories

WALLY
     I must shed the millstone of guilt and confess here and now that I alone am responsible for the end of Wally the auctioneer.
You may remember Wally. He was not the best of auctioneers.
His whole chant consisted of, “ Give me a dollar, eh”.
One day we were kicking some dust and shooting some bull.
Wally was scrapping designs in the dirt with the toe of his shoe “ How come I never get the crowds
I did not answer.
“ I get the same people at every sale”.
I still remained mute.
“ Is it me” His voice quavered.
“ I dunno, maybe it is you do not romance the stuff.”
“ Romance? If you think I am making out with a sink your nuts. Romance, I never heard such trash”. He said as he spit at his shoe.
“I do not mean get physical, dummy. Romance means to talk it up. Point out the good in an item. Jeez, Wally sometimes you can be dense”.
I tried to block out the image of Wally making out with a sink.
I could not help laughing.
Wally looked angry, “ What the h… is so funny”.
“ You making love to a sink”. I gasped.
Slowly the image came to Wally and he started laughing. His laugh was more of a cackle that made me laugh all the harder. I was hoping that he would forget the original conversation. It was a forlorn hope.
I knew Wally wanted a serious discussion when he squatted down on his haunches. That meant that the conversation was serious. I hunched down and waited. He picked up a stick and started scratching at the dirt. When someone squats and picks up a stick, it is time for decisions. If one is negotiating a sale this is the time a final price is decided on. I waited as Wally mulled over his next question.
“So this love making, what do I do?
“ Not love making, romancing. You talk about the item your selling. Get the people interested in it.”
“What people? That is the problem nobody shows up at the sales.” Wally stared intently at me.
“ Well maybe you have to get a hook.” As soon as I spoke I regretted that I had.
“Now we have hooks. First we make love then we go fishing. What’s next, chicken plucking? Dang it all if you can not help just say so. I never heard such dribble in all my born days.”
“ I mean something to draw a crowd.”
“ Ain’t that what I said in the first place? I need something to draw a crowd?” He asked incredulously
“A hook is something different or unusual. Like a bone through the nose or a tattoo on your chin.”
Wally gasped like a fish out of water. He tried desperately to speak. His mouth was opening and shutting rapidly.
“ Or maybe you could strip to your shorts and dance up and down the tables. Get yourself a baton and twirl it while singing something. You could moon the crowd. That would make them talk. I wonder what Molly would say?” I asked.
Molly Kerpusky was a regular at Wally’s sales. He had a crush on her. She had a crush on him. Everyone knew except Molly and Wally. Molly was a large lady. Wally could only be described as emancipated.
“ Maybe you and her could polka through the crowd.” I continued picturing Wally buried in Molly’s gigantic bust. “ Then you could light the baton on fire and…”
“That’s enough.” He roared. “ You …you…”
“Okay look I was just kidding around.” I apologized.
It took him some time to settle down.
“ Wally I will be as kind as I can. I do not want to hurt your feelings. But, your chant stinks.”
Surprisingly enough he did not seem to take offense at my discreet suggestion.
“ I kind of thought that,” he murmured.
“If you could get some chatter with some rhythm people would come to listen.”
I remained quiet for a moment while he mulled this over.
“Can you help me learn this here chattering.”
That was when I knew I was in trouble. I should have pretended a heart attack or something. Instead I let my big mouth suck me further into the quagmire.
“ Sure whenever you want. I will be glad to help.” I foolishly replied.
“ How about right now?”
By now my legs were screaming and my back was trying hard to make my life unbearable. I would have promised to file a tax return if it meant I could stand up.
“Well let’s get at it.” I screeched in relief as we stood.
I repeated a simple rhythm lilt to him. He could not seem to get his mouth to co-operate.
“Abagoodamisflits, dang it artrestblig, dang it.”
Wally tried and tried. Nothing came out decipherable excepting the dang it after each attempt. I told him that he should keep practicing until his next sale. He made me promise not to tell a soul about his new spiel.
I was more than happy to oblige. I thought after a week or so he would give up and that would be the end of the matter. I underestimated his determination.
A week or two later Percy “by god” Godfrey cornered me at a livestock sale. As usual I tuned him out and was not listening when it dawned on me that he was expecting a reply. This was not normal. His normal routine was to yammer on without letup. To actually let someone answer was foreign to his nature.
“ Well, by god, what do you think?” He demanded.
“ I don’t know,” I honestly had no idea of what we were supposed to be talking about.
“ By god, it sure is strange.” he continued. “ Although he always was a little weird, by god.”
“ Oh, I wouldn’t say weird.” I bluffed.
“ Well, by god, whatever you call it it’s not normal, by god.”
“ Well maybe you better explain it to me again.” I figured that would set him off on to an overlong explanation of the subject.
I was right. It was a good five minutes before he finished. The gist of his story was that Wally seemed to be acting strangely. Well more strange than he usually acted. According to By God, Wally was walking the streets mumbling to himself. He seemed blissfully unaware of the people around him. Once he passed Gilda Hipplecroft without even a nod. This was unheard of as Gilda and Wally loved to gossip. Whenever they met they would talk for hours. The most startling event was when Wally walked right past Molly talking to himself. Suddenly he wheeled around and pointed a finger squarely at her and yelled,"SOLD”.
           Well I knew what was going on. But to enlighten anyone about the matter entailed telling of my involvement. I had no intention of doing that. Besides I promised Wally that I would tell no one. So Wally continued wandering the streets chattering. Inadvertently all his antics created interest in his upcoming auction. People were actually cancelling prior appointments to attend his sale. I suspect it was in the hope that he really was out of it and something weird would happen. They were not disappointed.
           I had never seen a bigger crowd. A strange auction crowd though as no one paid any attention to the merchandise. They were more interested in talking and the talk was about the yet to appear auctioneer. There was a mounting sense of anticipation amongst the people. Wally was always first to a sale, some believed that he actually camped out on the evening before a sale. On this occasion he was nowhere in sight. I figured I had better find him. It did not take long.
            B.O. Dinkledorff had parked his manure truck downwind of the sale site. He always was considerate. I found Wally there seemingly oblivious to the aroma. He was watching the growing crowd. Most were parking on the upwind side of the sale.
“Hey how you doing,” I asked.
He did not acknowledge my presence.
“ Big crowd.” I continued.
He slowly turned his head, “ Good lord almighty,” was all he could manage.
“ Well looks like you got your crowd.”
“ I can’t do it,” his eyes were tear filled.
“ This is the kind of sale you always said you wanted.” I could feel his fear. “What are you waiting for.”

“ You do the sale for me.” He was now visibly shaking. “Tell them anything you want. I don’t care.”
           I must admit I was tempted. It was a great crowd and the sale was the estate of Zelda Thrippouf. Zelda had a large collection of bric-a-brac that would return a handsome price. No one knew what happened to Zelda. She just disappeared during a gay pride parade. A few weeks after a fellow named Zeff Thrippouf moved into Zeldas’ house. He claimed to be a brother and no one doubted it because he looked enough like Zelda to be her twin. Zeff told everyone that Zelda had passed away while on a trip to Denmark. Her remains were cremated over there and her ashes scattered in the ocean Apparently with her dying breath she had requested this.
              Zeff claimed that the house contents were womanly. He contacted Walter to sell everything off. He said that nothing should be left to remind him of Zelda. It was as though they were very close and it pained him to be reminded of her.
“ I can’t do that. These people have come to listen to the new chant.”
“ You said you wouldn’t tell anybody,” he said accusingly.
“ I didn’t tell anyone, but the word must have got out. What does it matter anyway? They must think that you are pretty good or they wouldn’t be here.” I could see that I had scored so I pressed on. “ I’ll tell you what we can do. I will introduce you the same as they do in those big auction halls. Then I’ll stay with you until you get settled in.”
              It took some time before he agreed to my plan. We had decided that Wally would sneak in the back door of Zeff’s house and come out when I introduced him. I promised that I would stay until he got the sale underway.
              Wally had many shortcomings as an auctioneer, but his set-up was always superb. He had built a platform on wheels for auctioning from. It was about three feet high and could be move quite easily with Wally aboard. It was a perfect stand as it was high enough to see over the people, yet low enough to maintain close contact with them. To start the sale the stand was against the house. This kept the crowd in front of the auctioneer. I worked my way through the noisy crowd to the stand. When I climbed up an eerie silence prevailed. I was taken aback by the quiet. It seemed as though everybody was holding their breath.
“Folk’s, it is a privilege and honour to be here today.” I started pompously. “I hope that…”
“ Are you doin’ the sale?” Someone questioned? “ I heard that this was Wally’s sale.”
Disappointment seemed to run through the crowd It was disconcerting to know that I was not wanted. I knew that over half the crowd would leave if I said yes. That would be an embarrassment I could not handle.
“No folks I am just here to introduce your emcee for today.” I figured emcee was a nice touch.
The people were jockeying to get closer.
“We are here today to dispose of the property of Zef….”
“Trying to steal Wally’s thunder, by god”
“Where’s Wally?”
“Here I am,” Wally came out of the house and took over my spot.
With everyone asking for him his confidence level had taken a rise. I skulked to the back of the crowd to avoid the accusing looks.
Wally rattled off the standard liability spiel with ease. He never once faltered or stuttered as he usually did. Everyone was amazed this was a new more confident Wally. Then the first item was held up for bid.
“Gimmee a dollar eh?” He stood staring at the crowd.
He looked back at me desperately. I mouthed at him to keep talking. At first nothing registered. Then I saw the light dawn on him. He started to talk. Unfortunately all the practice went for naught. If anything he was even worse than the first day he tried. No one could understand a word. It sounded like a mixture of Hebrew, Sioux and Latin spoken backward. Try as he might he was not able to get anything to sound like English. What he did produce was a mist of moisture that wafted over the front row of people.
          The people tried to back up but could not because of the crowd behind them. Some of them tried to push the descending moisture away by waving their hands at it. Wally thought they were bidding. He was ecstatic. He had never seen so many bids. With his confidence renewed he decided to crank it up. The mist descended onto the back of the crowd. The people in front looked as though they had been swimming. They were desperate in their attempts to escape. Now the whole crowd was waving and bobbing heads. Wally was having an auctioneer’s erotic dream. In his mind everyone was bidding. Then it happened.
          Wally’s teeth flew out of his head. They went through the air still chattering. It seemed to me as though the teeth sounded better than Wally ever did. Still clicking away the teeth landed on Molly Kerpuskys large bust. Then, as if digging a hole, they chewed their way out of sight. The look on Molly’s face was something to see.
        With no teeth to stem the tide, Wally was now producing enough moisture to extend to the farthest reaches of the crowd. With all the shouting and body movement he could not take the bids fast enough. Thankfully his own voice was drowning out the abuse shouted at him. He was thinking about all the sales he would get after this.
        Molly was now flat out on her back. Her eyes were glazed. She was emitting weird sounds. I did not want to know what she was thinking.
         That was the end of Wally the auctioneer. He is no longer with us. The pressure had been all he could take. He is now resting in Saskatchewan. Molly is there with him. They are starting a new business processing Saskatchewan sealskins. Wally says that he spends his leisure time looking for his teeth. Molly is helping him in his quest.
renegade carr